Life has been passing me by in a blur recently. I feel that my work-life balance is slipping away.. not because I’m working more (which I am), but because I’m finding it harder and harder to just switch off.
It doesn’t help that my sleep is constantly broken by massive engineering works on the railway near our house (Network Rail, I hate you, I hate your megawatt lights that beam into my bedroom every night, I hate your drilling, I hate your shouting men, I hate your alarms that go off several times a night), and I have been dreaming non-stop about work. I dream about spreadsheets and writing articles and trying to remember to remind myself to do things. I can’t remember the last time I drifted off into that big comfy blanket of nothingness and woke up feeling normal.
I just never feel rested and I never feel as though I can just sit back, relax and watch the world go by for an afternoon. I’m just feeling a bit done in.
My only escape seems to be that the days are getting longer and I am able to drift around my garden until well after dinnertime, weeding my veg plots, planting in my next crop of veg or slowly making progress on clearing the area where I will put my wildlife pond. In my spare time I’m either out in my garden – sometimes accompanied by Rich, sometimes not – or I’m curled up with a cat and book, trying to not think about work and money matters.
I desperately want a few months out. Just time to write my book, tend to my garden, and enjoy spending time with my little nuclear (furry) family. Those are the things that are important to me. Everything else at the moment just seems like… bullshit, to be honest.
For some reason I just feel that I’m increasingly disappearing into myself. I crave a simpler and simpler life where I live a bit off the land, make enough to get by and don’t have to worry about mortgage deposits or looming deadlines or dealing with looking like crap after three hours’ interrupted sleep. I feel like I want to share less of myself with people and sometimes just holding a conversation, or trying to focus my attention for long periods of time feels like a monumental effort. My brain is always trying to take me off somewhere else.
When I’m outside in the garden, though, it’s different. I’m happy for my mind to aimlessly meander around. As spring is turning into summer, and my garden continues to grow and wake up, I am able to spend more time pottering. It lets me escape the feeling that life is just hurtling along and I’m not able to slow it down.