Too Fast

By the cherry tree

Life has been passing me by in a blur recently. I feel that my work-life balance is slipping away.. not because I’m working more (which I am), but because I’m finding it harder and harder to just switch off.

It doesn’t help that my sleep is constantly broken by massive engineering works on the railway near our house (Network Rail, I hate you, I hate your megawatt lights that beam into my bedroom every night, I hate your drilling, I hate your shouting men, I hate your alarms that go off several times a night), and I have been dreaming non-stop about work. I dream about spreadsheets and writing articles and trying to remember to remind myself to do things. I can’t remember the last time I drifted off into that big comfy blanket of nothingness and woke up feeling normal.

I just never feel rested and I never feel as though I can just sit back, relax and watch the world go by for an afternoon. I’m just feeling a bit done in.

My only escape seems to be that the days are getting longer and I am able to drift around my garden until well after dinnertime, weeding my veg plots, planting in my next crop of veg or slowly making progress on clearing the area where I will put my wildlife pond. In my spare time I’m either out in my garden – sometimes accompanied by Rich, sometimes not – or I’m curled up with a cat and book, trying to not think about work and money matters.

I desperately want a few months out. Just time to write my book, tend to my garden, and enjoy spending time with my little nuclear (furry) family. Those are the things that are important to me. Everything else at the moment just seems like… bullshit, to be honest.

For some reason I just feel that I’m increasingly disappearing into myself. I crave a simpler and simpler life where I live a bit off the land, make enough to get by and don’t have to worry about mortgage deposits or looming deadlines or dealing with looking like crap after three hours’ interrupted sleep. I feel like I want to share less of myself with people and sometimes just holding a conversation, or trying to focus my attention for long periods of time feels like a monumental effort. My brain is always trying to take me off somewhere else.

When I’m outside in the garden, though, it’s different. I’m happy for my mind to aimlessly meander around. As spring is turning into summer, and my garden continues to grow and wake up, I am able to spend more time pottering. It lets me escape the feeling that life is just hurtling along and I’m not able to slow it down.

Comments

  1. Being sleep deprived is the worse thing in the world, it effects your whole day, your whole life. Like you when I am feeling overwhelmed I cannot get to sleep, but when I do I generally stay asleep but I too am waking up feeling less than refreshed. I don’t have any answers but I know that I need to be doing less and worrying about less to get a better sleep, which is easier said than done………

  2. I find it very hard to switch off too – when you’re passionate about something it tends to overtake your mind and you find yourself thinking about it when you should be resting which makes matters worse the following day :-(

  3. i know the feeling, but in my case gardening helps… but yes, sometimes we all feel like taking a break

  4. ReubensMummy says:

    Kepp going, breath deeply, don’t beat yourself up. x

  5. Yes it does flash by, one minute you’re pushing prams the next they’re off to uni…. I noticed the local council have been using wildflowers in all the dual carriageway central area beds, It looks fabulous. Zero maintenance. A riot of colour, last year it stretched well into the Autumn still looking good. So…. I have set aside a chunk of my garden for this, and it looks great, no weeding required, just a cuppa and a deckchair!

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