Return from Edinburgh

I’m back from Edinburgh!

It was great. Lots of walking. Rich had quite a few blisters. I managed just the one.

We spent the vast majority of our time perusing the old town. And eating. And walking. We stayed at the 5 star Balmoral Hotel (just the one night), where Rich ate one of the best breakfasts he’s ever had. Ever. His scrambled eggs were free range.

‘Twas good. Not being one for eggs, bacon, sausages et al I opted for scottish potato cakes (hash browns) and beans, followed by croissants, and a selection of mini danish pastries. Welllllll, we’d done SO much walking I felt as though I deserved it.

You see, the day before I’d satisfied a longing to stop off at the birthplace of Harry Potter – the Elephant House cafe. The back room has looks out on the castle, and we sat with our iced fruit smoothies gazing at the view.

During the day, we saw all the sites; Holyrood, Edinburgh’s Disgrace, the castle, royal mile, the parks… being unashamed tourists went on a couple of sightseeing tours atop a bus, walked through the many streets, wynds and closes, took pictures, ate food, got hot, ate and drank more and had an alfresco dinner of pizza and garlic bread on a wobbly table on the cobblestones of Bella Italia on Northbridge.

So it’s fair to say that we arrived home on Friday evening tired and aching. In Edinburgh we’d had temperatures in the high twenties; at home it’d broken thirty degrees. And my vegetables and plants hadn’t been watered for two nights running. They looked a bit worse for wear.

However, a weekend of a bit more TLC seems to have done the trick. I’ve been pretty bad over the last few weeks, leaving them to fend for themselves mostly, sporadically watering and weeding when I had the time or the inclination. I haven’t even got my butternut squash plants out of their small pots – I’m a bad, bad person! I need to get them in this week if there’s any chance of them growing to a decent size. It’ll be a pleasant surprise if they manage to produce any fruit. Bah. I’m trying!

But I’ve got two (well – one and a half) days off work left, then it’s three days’ work before the weekend again. So effectively that gives me time to put a bit of work in here. I already got down to the allotment with Mum yesterday (where we were discussing the reality of the situation – was I really able to keep it on now that I’m working full-time and have everything at home to contend with?), and intend to go down again before I go back to work on Wednesday. At the very least, we came home with a trug absolutely chock full with red and white onions, potatoes and some small but tasty Early Nantes carrot thinnings.

I also need to weed my onions at home. They’re looking OK – not huge, but at least they’re consistently medium at the moment. I’ll give them some time. Carrots are doing OK. But they won’t be ready for a good 6 weeks or so. Potatoes – I’ve got Charlotte potatoes coming out of my EARS. I might bag a few up and sell them from the garden gate. Earned me some spare change last year.

I think work might calm down for a while now we’ve got this big project out of the way. It’s just been madness for the past three weeks or so. It’s made me feel a bit… tied down. Like I want to escape it all, especially when I went to London in 35C for a meeting. I just don’t know if I belong in that kind of life. I mean, I like writing. But I love writing about things I really care about. I know in this climate I am more than lucky to have landed a stable (contracted) job. And it doesn’t have to be forever. And it’s not a bad job. And it’s helping me get back on my feet.

But it’s not my passion. That is what I’m struggling with a bit at the moment.

Juggling Act

Well it certainly rained a lot last week. Less watering!

I was actually awoken last weekend by the sound of rain smashing onto the roof tiles. As I rolled over and looked out of the window, Mindu (one of our cats) was sat neatly on the chair, peeping through the curtains. I think she was pleased to be in the dry and warm. Bit like me really. So I pulled the duvet up over my shoulders and snoozed for another hour or so.

Last Sunday morning I booked a trip to Edinburgh. I made reservations at the (five star, first time ever in my life) Balmoral Hotel for Rich’s birthday, and we’re flying up to spend just a short break away from it all. It’ll be the first time we’ve properly been away together in over seven years. Seeing as I got a little promotion and pay rise at work, I thought it would be nice to do something. I surprised him that morning by making him a (free range) fried egg (in olive oil, of course) sandwich and a cup of tea. Just ‘cos I’m nice…

I’m excited about going because I just need to be away for a while. Work is just… mental at the moment. There’s no other word for it. Today is Saturday, and this morning at 9 o’clock I was to be found sitting at my desk. On a Saturday morning. Like I said, mental.

But of course, I’m home now. I’m still feeling prettywound up about work. ‘Work mode’, I call it. I was so tired last night that I fell asleep fully clothed on the bed, having only gone to lie down with the fan on to cool down (had been running round the Smallest Smallholding, trying to get the bunbuns in from their ‘free ranging’). Rich came up at around half past nine and put me to bed because I was so out of it. I was so tired so that I slept through until around sevenish.

Needless to say, I’m still struggling with everything, especially finding time for the allotment. Mum has just been a superstar and has been doing most of the legwork down there. I’ve been quite useless, actually. I’m just mentally so tired in the evenings, all I can do is fall down with a book (re-reading the Potter series in preparation for forthcoming Half-Blood Prince film, of course), or sit down and steadily make my way through my boxsets of Alias. In fact, Rich and I now have a thing where we dedicate around an hour or two in the evening to Alias. I love that show. Rich never really watched it, but I think I have him a bit hooked.

The other thing is that I’m eating far too much at the moment. I’m just too big and I don’t like it. I caught a fleeting glimpse in passing of my old best friend from school the other day. She looks great. I look like a fatter, older version of myself. I’m not happy about it. I’m doing my yoga stretches for my back problems each evening, but it’s not exactly exercise. I’m getting really worried that I’ll never shift this excess weight that I’ve put on since leaving school. I always thought I was big back then, but of course I wasn’t. I might have been taller and broader than the other stick-like glamour-puss friends I had, but I wasn’t the heifer I thought I was.

Of course, now, I think I am. Typical woman thing? But somewhere inbetween everything else I have GOT to make room for exercise. Proper, getting-out-of-breath, pain-barrier, hard work kind of exercise. Because I NEED it. Whilst I’ve been picking up my yoga stretches and making it into a daily routine, I’ve become horrified at how much flexibility and strength I’ve lost. Even in the past six months or a year, I’m just rubbish compared to what I used to be. It’s scary! So yes, that’s something else on the agenda.

Oh good grief. I just need a big break really. At school I had half terms and summer holidays, at university I had even longer breaks, and when I was freelancing, whilst I wasn’t going on holiday, my time was flexible. OK, my work schedule isn’t terrible, I have a full weekend, but it just somehow feels relentless. I can’t mix work in an office with projects on the computer, projects outside… I’m having to do stretches every night so that I’m able to work at the computer every day, to keep the really bad pains away. OK, yes, there are people out there that think I’m a moaner, that think I’m just making up excuses, but when my back and neck pain gets bad, it takes over. I have constant grumbles of discomfort from working on a computer all the time, and it’s really wearing. I would try and change my lifestyle but I can’t see any other way than what I’m doing right now. I’m kind of working my way out of a very deep, large, hole and laying down roots. I’m hoping I’m working towards a life where I actually have something put away and some security. Where I have building blocks, I suppose. If that makes sense.

I just feel like my attempt at the Good Life is slipping away. My dream was to have a comfortable home, to grow my own food, to maybe write a few books (got one outlined in my head), have a mix of projects on the go. At the moment, it’s only a fraction of a part-time attempt at the Good Life, but at the moment seems to be eclipsed by work, being tired because of work, trying to fit in things around work, trying to juggle everything, be a success at everything I turn my hand to, and my Smallest Smallholding always seems to come way down on my list of priorities. And THAT doesn’t sit well with me at all. When I look at the bigger picture, I wonder why I’m struggling. I have my evenings, I have weekends, yet somehow the free time slips away and nothing really gets done. Am I just too lazy? Am I unorganised? Am I just lacking inspiration and dedication?

After all, there are plenty of people that find a way to manage. I just feel like I’m in a big tangle and things just aren’t going the way I want them to. Is that what people call ‘ just life’?

P.S. I miss seeing my hens pottering around.