I’m bringing this post to you from a very wet and very grey Bedfordshire – not untypical for this time of year, but somehow I find the lack of ground frosts, snow and sleet this year a bit unnerving. There are lots of weeds in my garden that I rely on the cold weather to kill off (at ground level, at least), and it’s looking farrrrr too green out there for my liking. Feburary has been slated as the month to watch for the snow-type affairs, and my local Tesco (mehh, blehh, yuck!) is holding out by continuing to sell snow shovels and sledges in a prominent position by the store entrance. I don’t know if it’s going to happen. It’s too mild. It’s unsettling.

… And that word continues to dominate my life at the moment. Unsettling. Disconcerted. Yeah – that, kind of vibe.

I was going to put up a post earlier this month, emanating positivity and hope about the year ahead (and the fact that the world WILL see 2013 in tact), and listing my usual New Year’s Resolutions. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, because I just can’t quite decide what I’m doing or where I’m at. January has been like a limbo for me, and that feeling has resonated throughout the month and was amplified last week when I received The Call. The result of The Call was that my long-standing freelance arrangement with regular work in an office has abruptly come to an end. I wasn’t under contract as such. And I had an inkling it was coming, but my unofficial “redundancy” (because let’s be clear, it was not ME they didn’t need anymore, but my position as a copywriter) has left me reeling a bit. Aside from the friends I made, the regular social-work interaction that keeps me sane and a basic salary that I could rely on, my safety net has been taken away. I don’t blame anyone, but there’s still that underlying feeling of rejection. “It’s just business,” I think to myself. But after almost two years I can’t help but feel a little bit shit about it. At the moment I’m writing down things a lot on paper, trying to formulate ideas, and trying not to feel too bitter about things. I’ve bought purple hair dye because I feel as though I need to rebel a bit. Against what, I don’t know. I think I’m just feeling a bit belligerent in the face of redundancy.

But I guess all I can do is think about the opportunities. I am back to being 100% flexible with my time. I am entirely responsible for my input and output again. I suppose I am entirely self-sufficient again, and I cannot afford to rest on my laurels. I have lots of upcoming work over the next 2-3 months but beyond that is a dull haze and that’s the slightly scary part. So I have to take action NOW. I have to seriously weigh up my options and consider whether I want to continue putting in so much time at the laptop, or whether my other freelance work can sit alongside a new “career” or work path. Is there any way I can start afresh, do something with my hands, employ my slightly dodgy artistic or less-dodgy literary skills, my veggie culinary skills, my passion for animals (not a vet, not a veterinary nurse)? At least I have the veg patches to keep costs down this year, if need be.

My dream is to open up a sustainable complex – say, a converted barn or similar – that serves ethical food, that houses art projects, green projects, little shops and artisan workspaces. A place that helps to bring something exciting to the local community and offers something practical but fun for visitors. Maybe a food and herb garden for selling fresh produce or supplying the on-site eatery, too. Somewhere entirely original and inspiring.

But without any kind of start-up capital to speak of, it’s a complete pipe-dream.

It always comes down to money.

So what do I do? How do I do it?

Answers on a post card/in the comments section, please.