I am an Onion

The passing of our family ancient cat Ted. The passing of the season. The passing of a quarter of my regular income every month. There are many things have have come to and end recently  in my life, not all bad but not all particularly welcome, but changes nonetheless. Again, it feels as if my life is suddenly shifting in a series of small degrees which sends me on a slightly different tangent to whatever path I was previously following. I don’t feel melancholic… just like things have yet again shifted and I have to find my feet again.

Sounds deep, doesn’t it? It’s just sometimes it feels as though I’m bumbling along, trying to get things to work in the way that I want (and need) them to, and then suddenly something happens that forces my hand. Makes me have to reconsider things, make new plans, make choices.  This time, it’s mostly to do with work. I found out on Tuesday that I was to lose one day a week of regular income through no fault of my own – I was effectively made redundant, although I was working in a freelance capacity and had no contract per se to speak of. So the effect is immediate, and means a 25% cut in the work that I count as my ‘regular income’. For this month at least I have a grace period thanks to a freelance cheque that will be arriving soon, but after that I shall be digging deep to find some more work. And digging even deeper in my wallet.

So for now, the pressure is back on. Again.

You see, there are two things in my life that have held me back over the years. Lack of substantial funds (and I’m guessing that a good proportion of the population of this country are in the same boat), and my back. Work is going to be even more challenging, but that’s the life of a freelancer.

But with my back, things are at least changing for the better. I’ve started some physiotherapy, and it seems that after 15 years, we’re finally getting to the crux of why I’m constantly in pain, why I can’t work 5 days a week without being virtually crippled, and why I am the wobbly but essentially screwed up ball of tightness and stress that I am. My physio has described my ‘case’ as “very interesting” and “very complicated” and “widepsread”. She says my overall condition is like a big onion, where we’re having to peel away at each layer to get to the centre of the problem. And best of all, she says I am fixable.

You have no idea how that feels to hear those words. After 15 years of constant background aches and pains, as well as incidents where I couldn’t even stand up straight and walk properly despite only being only in my 20s, this revelation is like music to my ears. I am fixable. This isn’t the way it always has to be.

Apparently in some areas of my body, I have no muscle strength whatsoever, because somewhere along the line, something happened to a specific joint (I think) and knocked me completely out of kilter. So other dominant muscles have taken over, my body has tried to adapt to moving in a certain way and it’s causing all this pain and strain, lack of balance, and at times, immobility. Added to that, year upon year of stress (some self-inflicted, but at other times prolonged periods of things that happened to me and were simply out of my control) has turned me into a rigid, stringy ball of concrete. And apparently I don’t breathe properly, because of the way I’ve come to hold myself and move. So that compounds the problem. I can’t physically relax properly. I haven’t been able to physically relax for years. I’ve always felt out of kilter.

So we’re not only peeling back each layer, solving each physical problem as we go, but we’re building me up again. I’m going to get stronger and more competent, and I’m going to be able to relax. And sleep properly. The prospect of actually being able to consider full-time work, to be able to dig for more than 10 minutes without experiencing two days of back pain, to drift off to sleep without pain, to move freely and without caution as well as being able to actually relax my body (and hopefully, my mind), is just… well, I guess I feel relieved. Relief that it’s not just *me* and that there’s actually some tangible reason why I feel tense and awkward and jerky and off-balance a lot of the time. Believe me, I will be doing all that I can to get myself into the condition I should have been all these years.

So at least in one important aspect of my life, we’re finally moving in the direction that I want to go. And although I’ve taken a hit in the financial department, I’ve got to look at the opportunities it might present. I have a few things I’m looking into but for now I’ll just be working harder, longer hours and tightening my belt.  Much like a lot of other people around the country at the moment. Given the rising food prices, petrol prices and general living costs, it’s not going to be a walk in the park, but then it never has been for me. At least I have a roof over my head, food on the table and I’m an onion that’s fixable.

I think I’ve got that right?