I’m sorry - I’m sorry! I meant to post a while ago but I just didn’t get around to it. Week before last I was away in Cardiff visiting aliens, the Rift, and the Doctor (DW), as well as Jamie’s Italian restaurant, and then last week I was just… busy. I know I’m lazy. Sorry. Again.
And Happy Easter. Hope you had a good’un.
This weekend Rich’s parents came up for an Easter visit. On Sunday, we went for a tour of our local stately home, Wrest Park. Rich and I used to work in offices just off the main mansion, so we know the ‘parks’ (gardens) fairly well. But this time we took an audio tour and it was actually really interesting to learn the history of the development of the different gardens, areas, waterways, follies and pavilions. Worth a visit if ever you’re in my neck of the woods, in Bedfordshire.
And here’s a handsome fellow - Thomas Earl de Grey - who was responsible for building the ‘new’ Wrest Park, and adding to the gardens. Got a bit of the ‘Darcy’ about him, don’t you think?
But after visiting the grandeur of the parklands of Wrest Park, and waving off Rich’s parents, today it was time to turn my attention to my very, very humble Smallest Smallholding.
Having sown a pitiful amount of seeds a couple of weeks ago, I’ve not really done much else. Cleared some old bindweed and brambles, made lots of piles, and looked, and sighed. A lot. What a mess. What a complete and utter mess.
Although there are a few flowers in glorious bloom, the whole place just looks like a completely half-arsed job at the moment. I’ve started doing things in so many different areas, that I’m just not getting anywhere with anything. It’s so frustrating. Thing is, if I don’t work all over the place, I’ll have one relatively-well manicured area, and the rest will be a thicket of bramble and bindweed, making it almost unmanageable the next year. It’s just so HARD to keep it all under control, never mind looking vaguely impressive, or productive. I don’t know. I’m feeling very demotivated.
To be honest, I think I’m sitting here writing this in a very bad mood. I may be missing out the good bits, not seeing the positives, but it’s very hard to see them at the moment. I’m just feeling so damned critical about my efforts. This is supposed to be my ‘thing’. The thing I love to do. It is, and it isn’t. Sometimes I just don’t want to know. Sometimes I haven’t got the headspace to deal with it all.
To be fair, in the past fortnight I have probably only put a total of about three hours’ effort into my veg plots, my flower borders, my teeny tiny wildlife gardens, and everything else in between. But I’m still just aggravated by the whole situation. I’m spreading myself so thinly, and it feels like EVERYTHING has to give - the house, the garden, the vegetable plots, my work… how on earth do people do it? How do normal people hold it all together, have tidy houses, clean cars, tidy gardens, and a good career. Feel satisfied, or content. What is the secret? What am I missing? Why do I feel like I’m just never doing enough?
I know I have high expectations, and that I don’t exactly bust a gut, either. But I never seem to make progress. Especially where my Smallest Smallholding is concerned. It feels like one of the things that I’m constantly battling against. Sometimes I just want to give it all in, but I know if I tried I would miss it like mad. I love nature, I love growing things and I love having a project, but the past couple of years it’s felt like it’s all just pathetic and laughable. I think I feel like I’m failing to make it as successful as I’ve had it in my mind’s eye. I’m not stupid, I know it’ll take a lot of work, and time, and to some extent, money, but it feels stagnant. Like I’ve been doing the same thing, battling the same areas, coming across the same problems every year. I just need a bit of a hand, but no one else has the time or the inclination to help me. I sometimes wonder whether I’ve taken on too much, what with everything else I’m trying to do at the moment.
Sigh.
Perhaps I ought to just leave it here, and come back when I’m not in such an aggravated mood. I have a lot to be thankful for, I know that. I know I should just need to get on with things and remind myself that it’s not actually all that bad. I know it’s not easy, but at the moment it just feels like a constant losing battle. I’m not superhuman, I can’t do it all - work, house, garden, growing, writing, saving money, making money. But at the same time, I feel like I have no choice. If I don’t, I’ll never move forward. I’ll never improve or get to where I want to be. I’m in my twenties, at a time where I’m supposed to be moving onwards and upwards.
It would help if my bloody chillis and peppers would germinate, though. That would improve my mood a little.
Gah. Maybe I just need to go and do a bit of primal screaming and get it out of my system. Then write a short, practical and realistic list of things that I need to do. Prioritise. I’ve made a few executive decisions about my work; some of it is on hold, as I focus on getting a couple of my websites properly up and running, and polished. That’s going to take me at least two or three months. Then, come summer, I plan to really push ahead with my writing. Go for those (freelance) writing jobs I really want. I think by giving myself a timeframe, I’ll actually get things finished. I hate unfinished projects, yet I’m surrounded by them. Perhaps that’s the source of my frustration?
Shame I’m not as pragmatic when it comes to my Smallest Smallholding. Or maybe I am, and I’m just giving myself a hard time. I don’t know. I suppose it’s going to take me a few years to work out how to keep it low maintenance, wildlife-friendly and productive. It’s not exactly the easiest combination to work out, is it?
Hopefully this bad mood will evaporate soon. Sorry about the whinging.
NB: I’m not even going to post my weight. I know how much I’ve put on over Easter! Just give me a couple of weeks - enough time to eat my way through the surplus hot cross buns and easter cakes.
April 6th, 2010 at 7:17 am
Just read your blog - I reckon it’s the chocolate talking, you’ve had a high (choc induced) now comes the low!
We too are trying to kick a garden and 15 acres of land into shape with a cunning plan to make most of it self managing. But I agree sometimes you stand there thinking ‘Will these brambles / stingers etc EVER end?!!’
Suggestion: 1. I bought a pretty A4 book with plain paper from an independent garden centre and I’m sketching (badly) and making little notes about achievements. I do this just before I put the light out, in bed for no more than 5/10 mins. It’s good to look back on.
2. Do you have a propogator - it’s the only way I’ve managed to germinate the peppers and chillis?
3. Writing: (I’m writing a childrens - girls 9+ chapter book. Just finished #1 of 6 c. 50,000 words and will try for a publisher this year) The hardest part is putting thy bottom on a chair EACH day. I went on an Arvon Writing Course - look it up on the web. BRILLIANT I’ve never looked back AND it was heavenly bliss….There are also grants if you’re struggling to pay the £500 fee for the week….
April 6th, 2010 at 10:46 am
Right, Lucy. Stop what you’re doing. Stop the panicking, and worrying, and the self-flagellation. Then read, mark and inwardly digest the following:
* There is never enough time to do everything you want in life… unless you’re a government employee (which you’re not).
* You cannot ‘have it all’. Nobody can. Honestly. I feel strongly that young women, in particular, have been traduced and betrayed by this flip, smug and voguish conceit. Assuming you’re NOT a government employee, there is only limited time. If you want one thing, something else has to give. This a Law of Nature. It’s immutable.
* You are not ‘failing’ if you haven’t done everything you wanted/intended/planned. You are just human. Embrace and accept it. You’ll be happier immediately.
* Stop trying to do everything. It’s impossible (see above). At your age, I would definitely not have had time for an allotment. Not even a small one. I was too busy interviewing for the position of girlfriend/wife (many, many hours of work after work. And, occasionally, during it). Also building a social network of friends plus a career and trying to get off the poverty wages everyone starts on.
The key to happiness: Cut down on the ‘to do’ list. Remember: Something has to give (cf… er, above). Only you can decide what, and it will feel – at first – like a horrendous sacrifice, whatever it is.
But I promise that almost immediately, when you start to do what’s left well and properly, you will begin to feel happier. And just because you drop something for now, doesn’t mean you can’t take it up again later. Things have fallen completely into and completely out of my life many times over. And that’s OK.
One final word: Sorry for sounding so bloody patronising. I’m just hearing your pain and responding.
April 6th, 2010 at 11:16 am
oh Lucy … Nobody has it all! (I mean really, do they ‘honestly’??) If you need a break from certain things then you only have yourself to answer to. Concentrate on just a couple of things and forget the rest!!!!! You can always pick up on something in a few months - IT IS NOT the end of the world if you just need to take stock and lose a few things
At the moment I am melting under boat renovations and trying to write and trying to be a good mum and wife … but I realise that there is no-one putting pressure on me - only myself. I don’t have to do extra things if I can’t… it’s just about taking a deep breath, writing down what is REALLY important to you at . this . moment and then working on that… sorry there is no magic thing to make you feel wonderful and better and in control, but just know that you are not alone
xxx
April 6th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
I was going to say… but I think Soilman has said it all so much better - a very wise chap (even if he is a grumpy old veg grower and is never ever happy with his allotment).
Life is never perfect Lucy. You just get better at enjoying the good bits and learning lessons from the crap days.
Having failed to do all the things I had lined up to do over Easter, had no fun family gatherings, had to travel miles to sort out stressful family stuff and I’m now trying to juggle doing errands for my elderly mum/fit in my turn to run a local art gallery/a couple of work deadlines/new linocuts I really must get down to but have creative block/potatoes that need to be planted/seeds to be sown/redesign web site/re-open etsy shop or start a new one/hen wars (don’t ask!!!)/looking after neighbour’s animals/decorating bathroom/moving books from floor to new bookcase/cleaning house/mountain of ironing/there’s more but I can tell you’re bored already…
I could conclude that I’m a failure too. But … best not to … it really won’t help. I’ll just pick one think on the list and get it done this afternoon.
Hope the sun is shining on you today
Celia
April 6th, 2010 at 7:56 pm
make a short list of key things you want to get done, take a look at all the good stuff and ignore the rest. Works for me. Don’t give up, a few weeks of warmer weather and it will all seem better.
April 7th, 2010 at 8:17 am
I kind of smiled a bit when I read your post today. I felt the same as you last year. Everyone seemed to be doing more than me. Everyone had neat homes full of lovely vintage ambiance and fantastic manicured gardens from where they picked elegant stems of blossoming flowers for their mantlepiece and luscious vegetables for their dinner. Inadequate was not the word for how it made me feel.
And then it occurred to me that sometimes in blogland things are not as they appear. Photos are staged so you see the wonderful bits. They never showing you the piles of washing on the floor, the unmade bed, the washing up, the scruffy bits of the garden, the cat poo in the borders etc. They don’t show you the depression, the divorces, the pain. Bloggers show you what they want to show you and the lovely photos and inspiring posts you see are in no way indicative of the way they live their lives 100% of the time.
Actually I find your post inspiring. It shows what life is really about. It’s not all colourful crochets and spire of delphiniums. It’s struggle. It’s toil. It’s experiencing the lows so when the highs come you can really enjoy them.
I’ve realised I have too many things to do and not enough time so I look to doing small amounts here and there consistently every day. Can I squeeze in 20 minutes pruning with a cup of coffee? How about 20 minutes tidying round the house? I keep a garden tidy kit under cover near the back door (broom, dustpan and brush, black sacks, secateurs, small loppers, twine, penknife, cloth etc) so I don’t have to rummage around the shed or under the sink if I just want to sort something out quickly. I also have one for the house to so I can grab and go.
You’ll be ok. Take baby steps. They may be small but it’s still progress.
April 7th, 2010 at 6:41 pm
There just isnt enough time for everything, its always the way, so you can only ever do what you can.I suggest you get some more chickens, its hard to be despondent about anything when you can pop out and see them clucking and digging around
chickens be the cure!
April 7th, 2010 at 7:56 pm
Read your post yesterday and I feel your pain but I couldn’t think of a comment so I waited until today to see what everyone said and now I only have to say 1 thing: They are right. You don’t have to do everything and actually how dull would life be if you achieved all of your ambitions in your 20s? Enjoy what you have.
April 8th, 2010 at 7:50 pm
Hi Lucy, I also feel your pain! But I also agree with everything said above, you can’t have it all believe me I tried, I‘ve had many, many days when I’ve thought I’ve had enough I can’t do it anymore, but I’m still here doing the same old thing only it’s my house that had to ‘give’, well, the inside of it anyway. When ever anyone comes to the door a cringe & hope to God they don’t need to come in!
I often have people saying to me ‘how do you do it all’? I just smile sweetly thinking ‘well if you could see the inside of my house you’d know ….. I don’t!’
I have two favourite sayings: All that glistens isn’t gold and The grass really isn’t greener on the other side!
Try to enjoy life for what it is, I’m sure you’ll soon snap out of your mood and lift your chin high again and feel immensely proud of what you achieve.
April 9th, 2010 at 4:46 pm
I don’t know about Darcy. Much resembles that brooding guy who’s obsessed with Isabel Archer’s stepdaughter in Henry James’ A Portrait of Lady. The summer flowers remind me of that bisaya short film YELLOW PEOPLE, not just because it’s yellow. A great post.
April 10th, 2010 at 5:14 pm
What everyone else has said. You’re not super-human and you’re wrestling with poor health just now to boot.
Stop being so hard on yourself and be kinder. When you’re working hard, everything else drops by the wayside, believe me, I know.
You can’t do everything, so accept that you will have to limit yourself and that does not = failure. It = sense and the key to being a bit happier with life
Honest.
April 21st, 2010 at 3:12 pm
Lucy, you should prioritise I think, as you’ve said as well. Perhaps sit down, make a list of what is most important to you - and then take it from there, step by step, systematically. You can’t do it all, the workload will be to much, and then what? Look after yourself.
I like your photos - lovely.
April 24th, 2010 at 5:47 am
Hi Lucy,
Just started reading your blog - Steel Kitten’s comment is bang-on. All my favourite blogs are the ones where people include the things that didn’t work, the disasters, the rubbish days and the mess.
That said, I use often use my own blog as a record of things I have managed to achieve so that when I’m feeling overwhelmed I can look back a few weeks and remember that I did do x, y and z that I’ve now forgotten about.
Don’t give up!
May 31st, 2011 at 8:23 pm
Hi Lucy,
Glad I read this, I thought it was only me who felt this way. I have just started my smallholding and its felt like I’ve gone from one failure to another. I get days where I just think its an impossible task, and I feel like giving up but then I just get angry because I wanted to do this for so long and I can’t give up before I have really given it a go.