Facebook Misery
Urgh, I hate going on Facebook. Yet somehow I can’t stop myself.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my hens, my cats, I love being with Rich. I have fun in my own way, but living the way I live has sort of isolated me amongst my peers, and I’ve gradually been pushed out of the loop. Facebook just shoves in my face just how far out I’ve gone.
I hate finding out that I’m not invited to parties, that I’m still plumper than my old friends and that I’m one of only a handful of people that are still living in the town that they grew up in. I somehow feel that by not living in London, working in events management, PR or media (like my old chums) I’m missing out on something, but not sure what it is. I long to write for magazines and online media, but can’t quite find a way to progress my career. I systematically doubt my own abilities and stall, then realise how far behind in my career development I am. I’m 25 and about as far from achingly hip as you can get. I don’t live in a flat overlooking the Thames and I don’t know how to dress to impress. I spend ages food shopping because I don’t want to eat anything with battery eggs in it. I earn a pittance working from home, and 9 out of 10 times, I’m the one who has to ask people if they want to meet up.
But if I’m in London for more than a day, I long for fresh air. I like to be able to look up and see the sky and stars. What am I really missing?
I’ve never been ‘cool’ or trendy, and I’m finding out that I never will be. I’m not *too* worried about that though. I’m anti-cool.
I don’t go snowboarding three times a year and I don’t have fancy dress parties to attend. Due to having animals, being a poor student and then scraping a living together, I haven’t been on holiday in 6 years. Facebook reminds me that I don’t have a close circle of friends to meet up with weekly. As much as I love Rich and share my life with him, I miss not having a best female friend anymore. I wonder why an old friend still won’t add me as a friend on Facebook, and think I’ve done something wrong when they don’t reply to my texts or emails.
I know I shouldn’t care about it. But sometimes I really do feel like a complete social failure.
Facebook is REALLY bad for my health.
March 29th, 2008 at 1:20 am
I had this problem when I first got on myspace and I’ve found it’s better for my sanity to just stay away from it.
March 29th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Same here. I have no advice, other than that, like me, you probably have days when it gets you down and you feel like a pariah and other days where you love what you’re doing so much that it doesn’t bother you.
I meet up with friends from uni or school occasionally (we’re all fairly unconventional in our different ways, no ‘City types’ among us, though I think I’m the only one who grows things) and I have lots of friends online, but it’s still not the same as having people nearby. Shame we aren’t nearer, as we could meet up and talk about how chickens are better than snowboarding. Ah well, if you’re ever near Reading (or in London, I’m there for work occasionally) and fancy a drink and a chat…..
March 29th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Darlin’, I hear you loud and clear. We are feeling incredibly isolated. But unlike you, we’re also feeling at odds with our environment. We wish we lived on an organic vineyard (instead of the one that just poisoned our cat and me), we wish there were people like us here, we wish we didn’t have to drive so darn far to get anywhere, we wish … a lot of things.
The online community is amazing, and I love all of my blogging friends. But it’s not quite enough, is it? Are there book clubs, gardening clubs, chicken chats or other ways of meeting people there? There are several local yahoo groups in our area, where I’ve found things like the chickenchatcooks group, the local permaculture group, the sonoma cafe group who all trade things with one another. You might browse some of the listservs and see if you come up with anything.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:15 am
I know exactly what you mean, I’m a 26 year old artist, living in somerset and I love my garden (and my own Rich!), the few mates I have who live near me think I’m mental as I grow most of our own fruit and veg (and am trying to persuade Rich to let me have chooks).
I have stopped going on facebook and myspace as it just made me feel like I was some misfit for not doing the same as the people I when to school and uni with, in the end I decided I’d rather be a happy misfit pottering in my garden then a miserable Londoner with no fresh air to breath.
As long as you’re happy don’t let others make you feel your in the wrong!
If you fancy seeing what a fellow social failure is up to take a look at my blog: www.shoestringgarden.blogspot.com
March 31st, 2008 at 11:21 am
Thanks for your comments all. Seems we are all in the same boat! Kat your blog looks great, I will be looking in from now on.
March 31st, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Just wanted to say I know of know where you’re coming from although the reasons for my social separation may differ (break up of a relationship rather than difference in lifestyles) it’s still disapointing to find yourself on the outside looking in while old friends go on appearing to quite easily forget you when it comes to invites and socalising. It’s hard always having to be the one making the effort to keep friendships alive as you wonder quite why you’re bothering at times, I think a lot of it for me is the hurt of realising that friends you considered really close were never perhaps the people you through they were…
I have no good advice I’m afraid, but I just wanted to send out a quick ‘I understand’ …..
March 31st, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Hey! Don’t listen to the voices! Keep digging your garden: in a few years time they’ll up be fed up with the B-S of Urban Contemporary Living (or whatever the **** the magazines tell them to do), fed-up, neurotic, trapped in awful jobs, shacked up with awful men.
You. Won’t.
x
March 31st, 2008 at 8:45 pm
I’m feeling for you. Get this: I DID get the job in media, DID move to London, DID live in the flat overlooking the Thames (well, er almost)… and still felt, like you, that I was missing out. And that everyone else was living and I wasn’t. Oh, and isolated – even though I was living in the heart of it all. In fact, I’ve never been lonelier in my life.
Turns out it’s all bollocks (if I can pollute your blog with such language). You are who you are and how you feel ain’t much to do with where you live or what you’re living on. It comes from inside, not outside. If it were REALLY important to you to be doing what your friends are doing, guess what? You’d be doing it.
But you’re not. There must be a reason for that. Try to remember what it is. And then quit beating yourself up.
PS Totally sympathise. Been there, done that. Still do, more often that I like to admit.
April 12th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
I think the last two post on here are quite right..for what it’s worth,the kind of life these so-called fashionable ,trendy,with it types are living in London will evenually lose their lustre,but yours is wholesome and good and most of all doing what you want to do with it,and you are with who you want to be with.Don’t beat yourself up over it,enjoy it,you are the winner ultimately.
April 25th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Soilman really hit the nail on the head. I’m 27 and have managed to cobble together a publishing/media career from the few opportunities available in the south-west. I currently work for a *very* well-known, ‘ethical’ media business in Devon.
This was (literally) my dream job, even down to the specific person I work for, but it has certainly opened my eyes. The truth is, day-to-day, working in the media is like any other job, if you’re lucky. In fact, publishing/media often treat people very badly. Really the perks you get are the kudos from being in a glamorous field, but that wears off pretty quickly.
There’s nothing in my current job that I can’t do in my spare time, for my own enjoyment, under less pressure, and with more freedom. I think you’re a great writer and photographer – and guess what, you are already writing for the online media! If that turns into something paid, and you enjoy it, then go for it - but the one thing I’ve learned is that no job ‘completes’ you…
You’ll feel this way again in the future – everybody does (everybody who’s not a sociopath that is!). I’m as susceptible as the next person (despite being a psychologist by training!), especially as pretty much all my uni mates are London high-fliers.
All you can do is be aware of this natural social comparison thing and avoid the triggers, or consciously override it by reminding yourself what’s really important to you; the constants in your life. I often feel that I should have done the London thing, but as Soilman says, if I really wanted to, I would have done. If I’m honest with myself (rather than thinking what I would like myself to be like), it’s just not me.
If you ever need help reminding yourself what’s important to you, I’d really recommend you get your hands on a copy of ‘How to be Free’ (or anything really) by Tom Hodgkinson. Alain de Botton also knows his stuff, and has written loads about exactly this:
- “Pick up any newspaper or magazine, watch the TV, and you’ll be bombarded with suggestions of how to have a successful life. Some of these suggestions are deeply unhelpful to our own projects and priorities - and we should take care.”
Sorry to bang on, I’ve ended up writing a lot, only because I really do empathise, even though I do have the ‘dream’ media career!! In fact, I’m moving to S Wales shortly, which will mean leaving my current job, and will hopefully start up a smallholding of my own - part of the reason I stumbled on your blog yesterday).
April 25th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Wow, that really was insanely long, sorry!!
April 25th, 2008 at 11:51 am
No worries Suz, great to have feedback and through this post alone I’ve learnt that I’m not the only one out there that feels like this!
I’m actually writing a magazine article on it…more about that later on my blog.
I see who you work for, am a little bit jealous
Good luck with the smallholding!
I know in my heart of hearts that a London media job would be great for a few weeks, great for telling other people what I do, but all in all, not something that would make me happy. For a start, I’m crap at getting up in the mornings, so no early commuter starts for me. I think I was just whingeing because I was never really cool at school, but really, WHO cares?!
I actually really like living the way i do, and I should stop pigeon-hoing myself. Just because I like veggies, hens, don’t mind getting dirty etc. it doesn’t mean that I’m a dag. Far from it.